Modern Love story. Chapter 19.

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We were on our way to the airport. I felt really sad and wished that I had not rejected Kelly's earlier offer to foreshorten her holiday in order to come back with me. But it was too late now. She looked absolutely lovely, too. She was wearing her yellow sundress and sandals of a similar color. And it was the perfect foil to her deep tan. She'd also put some knickers on! But that was because they were planning to go to Palma once they'd dropped me off and she was adamant that she would not set foot inside the cathedral without any. But I doubted they'd be on for long once they got back to the villa. I sat in the back of the car with her and we held hands all the way. We arrived at the airport all too soon and I got my case out of the boot. I said goodbye to Carl and shook his hand. He had the sensitivity to walk away when I said goodbye to Kelly.

"Kelly, you know I really do love you, don't you?"
"I know you do, Ben, and I love you just as much." We kissed each other.
"You won't forget that, will you?"

I shouldn't have said this because she looked as if she were about to cry. I had to walk away because there were tears in my eyes too. I had meant to say something profound, something that would make Kelly realize the real depth of my feelings for her and yet all that I had done was to give her the impression that I didn't trust her. I turned to wave goodbye only to see that Carl was already standing at Kelly's side. When he saw me look back he cupped her breast with his hand as if laying claim to her body.

Kelly wanted to spare my feelings and I was pleased to see her push his hand away. I walked into the airport cursing the circumstances that had forced my early departure. I was depressed as my plane took off, and my depression seemed to deepen with every mile that separated my beautiful Kelly from me. I knew that I was really going to miss her during the next three days, days that to me would seem never ending. Kelly, on the other hand, would probably spend the whole time shagging and wonder where the time went!

I arrived home in the late evening to a dark unwelcoming house. My mind went back to the last time I had arrived home late, the night Kelly had met Carl. How I wished that I could have turned the clock back. Had I have been able to do so, I would have immediately entered the house and perhaps Kelly might never have had the opportunity to experience sex with Carl. But it was futile exercise, she had! I made myself a drink and went to bed. I sensed that Carl and Kelly would also be going to bed about now. But I made no attempt to masturbate; I could raise neither enthusiasm nor prick. I just wanted Kelly to be here next to me. I did not want her to be in Majorca. But she would be there for three more days.
 

"You love me, Ben, do you? So why do you encourage me to fuck Carl all the time?" The emphasis on the word 'fuck' could not have been stronger. She was really putting the knife in. And then she twisted it! "But at least he does want to fuck me, and not just watch someone else doing it!"

Her remark was mortifying but it was no more than I deserved. I chose to ignore it.

"Is it Carl? Are you in love with him?"
"I might have been, Ben. I was certainly very fond of him." There was a momentary wistful look and then her demeanor altered, as if she had made up
her mind about something, which indeed, she had.

"I'm sorry, Ben, I shouldn't have mentioned it tonight. I should have waited till the morning. But I don't want to discuss it any more tonight because I am absolutely shattered. I'm going to have a relaxing bath and then I'm going straight to bed!" Almost as if it was an afterthought, but in fact it was deliberate, she added, "on my own! I'll sleep in the spare room and I don't want to be disturbed. I want time to think." And with a cursory 'goodnight', she went upstairs.

I heard her running her bath. I should have gone upstairs to try to reason with
her but I think I must have been in shock. I fetched myself a stiff drink, went into the study and sat down on the sofa. I just sat there, and stared at the wall in a daze for God knows how long. My fears had been justified then. God, what a stupid prat I'd been. How could this all have gone so wrong? Why did I let it happen? Kelly was everything I had ever wanted. Once she had been quite innocent, but I had corrupted her. Once she had been sexually content with me, but she could never be so again. She'd wanted us to separate and I would have to live without her. And then I found myself sobbing. I put my hands to my mouth so that Kelly wouldn't hear me.

I suddenly felt her hands on my head. I opened my eyes and Kelly was standing in front of me wearing a long white tee shirt. She'd had second thoughts whilst she was soaking in the bath and had decided we ought to talk things over that evening, rather than the following morning. She was crying too. We looked at each other.

"Kelly", I said, "I'm sorry, I really am. I love you more than you can ever know. Please don't leave me." I couldn't say any more because of my tears. She pulled me towards her and my cheek was pressed against her soft rounded stomach. The salt was stinging my eyes and I wiped them with the end of her t-shirt. She had nothing on under it but that was the last thing on my mind.

"Ben," I heard her say, "How do you think I felt when you kept pushing me  towards Carl, when you actually said you preferred me to have sex with him instead of you? And when I offered to come home with you for your meeting and you said I shouldn't bother?"
"I'd just assumed that you'd be enjoying yourself so much with him, you wouldn't really have wanted to come home."
"Of course, I enjoyed the physical side - what girl wouldn't? But it's not everything. I told you that in the car. I would happily have come home early with you, Ben, honestly." "But you seemed so affectionate to him" I said. "What are you saying, Ben? That it was okay for Carl and me to shag each other stupid, provided that at other times we only shook hands!"
 

I had to smile at the patent absurdity of the idea. "Anyway, Ben, you have to understand. You can't have sex with someone all the time and not get emotionally involved. I thought I could but..." She paused, and made an effort to compose herself. "Look, I admit that I started it, but don't forget I was also the one who was prepared to end it. And you didn't just talk me out of it, Ben, you gave me the distinct impression that you wanted it to continue!" With that she sat down on the sofa.

"It was because it was a real life fantasy, Kelly. I knew we both enjoyed fantasies. I thought a real life one would be even better, that's all."
"Yes, I do enjoy fantasies, Ben, and do you know why? I'll tell you. It's because no one ever gets hurt in fantasies. No one feels degraded in fantasies. No one ever regrets what they've done. But reality is very different. In real life people do get hurt, people do have regrets."

I looked into her eyes. "I never ever meant to hurt you, Kelly."
"It's not just you, Ben.

"What are you trying to tell me?"

She took a deep breath. "I was infatuated by him, Ben. I might even have been in love with him for a while. But it's over between us and I'm never going to see him again." She dissolved in tears. I got up to fetch some tissues.
"Do you want to tell me about it, Kelly?"

She wiped her eyes before she answered me. "Do you remember what I told you when I came back from Paris, that there were times when I'd do anything Carl wanted. Well after you'd gone home, he told me wanted a video of us together. He said we were so good we should have a record of it. He also said that you might like it too. He assured me it would be private." "Go on."
"So I agreed to it. What he didn't tell me was that he would get Jeff to make the video! When he turned up I was furious and ready to walk out. He pleaded with me to go through with it saying that someone had to operate the video camera, something to do with angles and zooming and other stuff I can't remember. He reminded me that Jeff had already seen me virtually naked anyway, and asked me why I should be so concerned. I know I shouldn't have agreed to it, but I did." She began to cry again.

I was totally unprepared for this and I wasn't very tactful. Fuck me, she didn't even like the man! "Kelly," I asked, "how could you have done it in front of Jeff? I presume we are talking about the same Jeff who, if my memory serves me correct, gives you the creeps?"

She was now in floods of tears, sobbing her heart out. I pulled out some more tissues from the box and gave them to her. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. "Because I'm a tart, that's why! Carl thinks I am and from your question it is clear that you do too. Well at least the three of us can all agree about that!"

"Kelly, what are you talking about? I don't think you're a tart. The definition of a tart is a prostitute, or a promiscuous woman. Someone indulging in casual sex. Look it up for yourself. You went with Carl because you wanted to. There are probably thousands of women who would like to do what you did, but they're conditioned to think that if they were to do the same, they'd be tarts. I was just surprised, that's all."

"Well, Carl thinks I'm a tart. And how do I know? Because he promised me to Jeff, that's how. I flew off the handle at him, demanding to know what gave him the right to make such decisions about me. It was my body and I would decide whom I offered it to, not him. How dare he assume that I would consent to it? He asked me why I had suddenly become so coy and the implication was obvious. I told him he had made it perfectly clear what he really thought about me."
 

She looked at me, her chest heaving in her anger.

"And then what happened?" "He immediately apologized but I can't forgive him." She continued dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

I tried to change the subject. "What about the video, Kelly, where is it?"
"Oh I don't know, Ben. Carl's got it. What does it matter, anyway?" She was right about the video. That didn't matter, but something else did, and it mattered very much indeed. "So it is over between the two of you?" "He used me, Ben. He won't be using me again. I'm not going to see him anymore and I've told him so."

My own conscience was not that clear. I had used her too! "Kelly, you must understand that Carl sees all women in the same way. They are a challenge and the attraction for him is in the chase, if you like. Once he's get what he wants, once he knows that you care for him, he loses interest. He wanted a video of the two of you together. Maybe he likes to have a record of his conquests. Maybe your agreeing to it makes him feel he has control over you. Promising Jeff that he could have you was a further manifestation of his control. He can now move on to his next challenge. That's why he's never had a long-term relationship. And that's probably why he'll never have one in the future. But Kelly, he doesn't matter any more. You do! I don't care what you've done. I adore you, Kelly. I know I can't compete with Carl in some respects, but he could never have loved you the way I do. And I know I'll never stop loving you. But if you don't love me anymore ... " I was too choked to complete the sentence. I started her off again.

"Oh Ben, I don't want to leave you. I love you. I've loved you ever since you were a little boy. I don't love Carl. I might have done once but I don't love him now. Carl has a big cock, but that's all he has got. I know you feel inferior because you're not as big as him, but believe me, you are a much bigger man. You have qualities that Carl will never have. But you don't realize it. You are a much nicer, more caring person. And you make me laugh."

She recognized that her tears contradicted the last remark and she added, "usually." She loved me! She loved me! I kissed her and put my arms round her cuddling her as tightly as I could. And as we kissed our tears mingled. We went to bed and I continued to hold her tightly in my arms. I said, "It will only be the two of us in future, Kelly, I swear." I have never been more serious in my life.

"I hope so, Ben."

She fell asleep in my arms but I stayed awake. I thought about how close I had come to losing her. How could I have been so stupid? But it had also made me realized how much I loved her and how lucky I was that she still felt the same about me.

Carl phoned the following day. Kelly reiterated what she had said before. He was half expecting her decision anyway. Two months later, he'd moved to California. And at this point I should have been able to write that we lived happily ever after. But there was still a surprise in store.